No, drunk sperm still make babies.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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