Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
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