while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
