I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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