he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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