I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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