I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
