I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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