She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize