Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
