I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
we made out on top of his cat.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
