He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
