OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize