she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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