eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize