is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
