I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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