I just pynch a tree in the face
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Blood and glitter go together right?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
