walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
