dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
