Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
