They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
