I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize