hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
