I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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