she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize