good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
