I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
