I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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