you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
