No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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