so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
