My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
