who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
