textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
