Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
