Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Im part way to drunk.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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