My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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