you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There's always time for handjobs
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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