Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
