I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
