Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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