i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
