I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
