I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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