i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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