Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
