I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
