I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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