happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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