you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
