you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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