I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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