If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
