xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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