yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
nutella sex= disaster
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
