the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
